Repat: Crying In The Car

Apparently, one of the litmus tests for being a real New Yorker is having cried while walking down the street. I have never openly cried while walking down a street anywhere, but here is something I do do: I cry in my car. The car is the perfect place to cry because you’re completely alone. This is not true, of course. You’re in your car! Any of the dozens of strangers all around you, either crossing the street, walking on the sidewalk, or driving in their own car literally right next to you, would see you if they happened to look your way. But the thing is, no one does look your way. Driving is one of the most isolating, lonely experiences a person has in the States. It’s one of, if not the thing, I hate the most as a repat. Now, I have discovered it has its silver lining in that the isolation and loneliness leaves you free to cry as you drive.

In Zurich, I would sometimes take a very quiet, solitary walk on the Hambergersteig, a steep footpath in the hills above our house whenever I needed to have a moment to catch my breath, hear myself think, or formulate something I was writing. This is one of the funny things about being a mom and living in a small apartment or house with your family, and also working and not really having a lot of time alone ever: It’s tough to find time to reflect and connect with yourself. The Hambergersteig had a balcony sort of landing, which opened up and jutted out from under the tree cover about half way up the winding path. There was a bench with a grand, sweeping view of the lake. It was the perfect place to sit and watch the boats go in and out on the Zurisee. I loved sitting there and thinking. It was so quiet and intimate. It would actually be the perfect place to go have a good cry.

But there is no Hambergersteig around here. These days, I’m so busy fulfilling one role or another all the time that whenever I’m alone driving that is my me time. Often I’ll listen to podcasts. Or just sit in silence and try to hear my own thoughts. But the last few days, I’ve been listening to my old favorite albums. Air Moon Safari, of course, and also Radiohead OK Computer, which is probably the best album of all time and truly a delight to listen to on a really good car stereo at really high volume. With the bizarrely frantic exhaustion that comes with the end of the school year looming, and finding my way to turning 40 this fall, and basically having some sort of weird mid-life thing going on, it turns out it’s is the perfect soundtrack for a good car cry, too. I can’t really say what I was crying about. Mostly I think I was just tired. I love that album, and it carries so many memories and moments for me and it was so cathartic and I felt so much better afterward.

How is life for you lately? Are you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Do you sometimes just need a good cry?

(Photo via Shop Style/Pinterest)