Montessori: Benign Neglect and Boredom

One of the biggest takeaways from my Montessori training course way back in 2004-05 was the concept of benign neglect. Benign neglect describes the moment when we are just hands-off enough to give our children the space, time and freedom necessary for exploration, curiosity and learning -  without it being unsafe in any way. Our lecturer gave an example of a little baby she had seen on the bus several days prior. The baby's mom was sitting with her baby on her lap, deep in thought staring out the window, and while the mother zoned out, her baby leaned forward and starting mouthing the pole just in front of their seat. Germophobes might not consider this benign neglect, but a baby's way of understanding the world is to put things in their mouth, something adults are always stopping them from doing. Most of the time, this is necessary and protects the child from choking or other harm. But in this case, without the mom's interference, the baby was able to explore and learn and it probably did not result in any harm later. Make sense?

For the last two or three months, I have had so many moms at work, or school pick-up, or at the park ask me which camps and activities we've signed our kids up for this summer. Without fail they all gasp when I reply that we haven't signed them up for any! Even other couples who are both in education and therefore are both home all summer long are amazed that we don't have our kids fully booked. "Everything is filling up!" they say, "August will be smoky and you don't want to be stuck at home entertaining your kids!" is another popular one. "Kids get so bored in the summer - save yourself!" is another common refrain.

Usually I keep my mouth shut, because I don't want to be that "Montessori mom" who deprives her children in other people's eyes, but finally I just said to a mom last week that I want my kids to be bored in the summer. She looked a little concerned, so I went on to explain that children need to have huge chunks of unstructured, unscheduled time during which adults are not facilitating and dictating their every move, or activity, or idea. This boredom is the only way a child human being can learn to listen to the whispers of intrinsic motivation inside their own brain and soul and begin to discover their own interests. Research on Theta brainwaves, the state that our minds enter into when we're meditating, or in flow, shows that children from 0-7 are almost constantly in a Theta state in their brains. That means this is the most powerful time in one's life to discover and learn and get to know oneself, a task made impossible by too much adult interference and direction.

In the photo above, J had taken Coco and Theo on a hike and set up the hammock. He lay in the hammock and read a book while Coco and Theo found themselves with nothing to do. As frequent recipients of benign neglect, they got down to business without prompting and concocted a game of sticks and twigs that, while incomprehensible to any adult within earshot, was riveting and compelling to them. They focused their full attention on their game and had a great time for nearly an hour until it was time to go and J snapped this photo.

In the article, "Why Free Play is the Best Summer School," from the June 2014 issue of The Atlantic, author Jessica Lahey writes,

Unscheduled, unsupervised, playtime is one of the most valuable educational opportunities we give our children. It is fertile ground; the place where children strengthen social bonds, build emotional maturity, develop cognitive skills, and shore up their physical health.

I could not agree more. In interviews, David Lynch often credits his early childhood in Spokane, which was filled with wandering around the Ponderosas, daydreaming, as a huge source of his creativity. And he has devoted himself to transcendental meditation, which mimics the Theta brain state of early childhood, boosting creativity and imagination. This is not a coincidence.

It's not always easy to provide this beneficial boredom for children. Sometimes on the weekends, once J and I are up and have turned off the television and confiscated the iPad (parents have got to sleep, you know?!;) Coco and Theo will whine and moan and gripe that they have nothing to do. We acknowledge that it's true that they have nothing to do and then suggest that they find something to do. Sometimes the whining goes on for a long time. It feels like forever because it's hard to listen to and really annoying. But we stay the course! It's a matter of staying consistent and forcing them to push through the boredom and into flow. They find flow in drawing and clay, puttering around the garden, Legos, and blocks. Theo is a huge fan of walking around the backyard singing and looking up at the trees. Coco gets completely absorbed in dollhouse play. And once, when she was a baby, she played with a single blade of grass with such intensity and focus for over half an hour.

This is not to say that we don't do things together, like bake cookies, or watch movies, or dye Easter eggs with our kids. We do. In those activities, we are the adults in charge, facilitating and directing our children. But I definitely do not see it as my job to do those things all the time, or to keep my children entertained. Quite the opposite! This summer, my children will be bored, and it will be good for them.

What's your approach to summer - free play and boredom, or scheduled and planned-out activities? Why do you do summer the way you do?