Birth Plans

Let's just talk about birth plans for a minute if we might. I was so determined to have a natural birth with Coco because I thought that it was somehow wrong or weak or a failure to get an epidural during labor. So I hired a doula for our birth and read tons of books by Ina May Gaskin and others, and got really into this school of thought that drug-free birth was actually superior to other births.

These photos of me are three days before Theo's due date. I was enormous. I did not hire a doula. I did not go into it determined to have a drug-free birth. I had had really debilitating lower back labor with Coco and I knew that it was less planning, preparation and will power than it was just sheer luck and genetics and body type that determine how a woman's birth will go.

So when I was searching for something else today and the website for The Bradley Method happened to come up in the Google results, I couldn't help but read the snippet which included a testimony declaring "People told us we shouldn't try to have a natural birth with our first baby -- 'find out what it's like first,' they'd say. But we decided we'd get it right the first time."

Oh man! That last line really made my blood boil. "...we decided we'd get it right the first time," as if there's such a thing as "getting it wrong." Arrrrgh.

I just want to say this loud and clear: If you are pregnant and fretting about getting your birth "right" just stop right now. Have an open mind, do your best to remain calm, surround yourself by supportive people or just have one or two trusted people with you if that sounds better, trust your body, trust yourself, don't approach it as a sport or competition, do what works for you, and place some trust in the professionals caring for you. When Theo was born, he was gigantic! But much to my surprise, never once did anyone mention a cesarean. I really believe that most of the time, if a recommendation is made, it is with the mother and baby's best interest in mind.

But I have to admit that this culture of "getting it right" is so pervasive that a huge part of my desire to have a third baby has come from wanting to finally "get it right" and have a drug-free birth. I still want to do it just so I can say I did. How stupid is that?! Seriously. I am forever grateful that western medicine has provided us with the tools and options not to die in childbirth at the numbers women did in the 19th century. And to suppose that using pain relief or a life-saving surgical option during labor and childbirth is not "getting it right" is incredibly narrow-minded.

Besides, childbirth is merely the rite of passage into being a mother. Just as a wedding is not a marriage, childbirth is not being a mother. Motherhood is a continual commitment. It's about the love and connection we develop with our children. It is the support and unwavering devotion we make to our babies throughout their lives. It's the relationship we cultivate, day-by-day, year-by-year to be meaningful, positive, caring and life-giving forces in their lives. "Getting it right" is to have a trust- and heart-centered relationship with our children. And that is all.

Okay, rant over. I should also add that if you are one of the women out there who managed to go through childbirth without pain relief or a cesarean, that is simply lovely. I do not mean to belittle your ability to withstand the pain and discomfort of childbirth. I admire your strength. Our experiences were not the same, and both were right.

Did you (or do you intend to) have a birth plan?